WHAT IS CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE?

THREE ELEMENTS OF A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE

By Fred Vergara

There are two schools of thought with regards to marriage. First school of thought is that marriage is very difficult. My friend, anthropologist Stuart Schlegel compared marriage to that of “learning how to play the violin.” It is very hard and challenging but when you master it, you can play the most melodious music.

The other school of thought is that marriage is very easy.  Comedian Rodney Dangerfield said, “marriage is like a vacation: I married my wife as a last resort.”

A young man was having a Shakespearean question: “to wed or nor to wed.”After consulting many books and counselors, he came to an existentialist philosopher by the name of Soren Kierkegaard who advised, “By all means, gets married. If you marry a good wife, you will be happy; if you marry a nagging wife, you will become a philosopher.”

There are three elements, on which Christian blessing is invoked. These elements, when pursued and lived out, will make marriage last, enjoyable and pleasing.

1.    The first element of marriage is permanence.

A wedding is for a day but a marriage is for a lifetime. In a certain village in Philippines, there is a tradition that after the wedding, the bride and groom do not immediately go for honeymoon. Instead, they go to the market and buy two clay pots. They tie the pots together by the neck and throw them into the river. Whatever happens to the two pots---they may sink in the water or be carried by the streams down to the sea---the two pots stay together.

In a Christian marriage rite, there are at least two symbols of this desire for permanence. First is the marriage vow that says, “for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.” Second is the giving and receiving of rings with the accompanying words, “receive this ring as a symbol of our marriage. With all that I am and all that I have, I honor you in the name of God.”

Marriage is challenging and it is not always easy to keep the vows. Many marriages have ended in divorce while other couples continue to struggle in misery. Someone joked about the three rings: “engagement ring, wedding ring and suffer-ring.” By God’s grace, however, as the couple strive and pray for this ideal of permanence, the Holy Spirit enables unconditional love to grow.

2.    The second element of marriage is mutuality.

In the Book of Genesis, God said:”it is not good that man should be alone. I will make a partner fit for him.” So he caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man and out of his rib, God made the woman. Someone said the woman was not taken from a man’s foot so that she can be trampled upon, nor from the head so she can dominate her husband. Woman was taken from the rib, close to the heart, so that she should be loved, cherished and respected.

In a sense, the role of the husband is simple: make your wife happy. And the role of the wife is just as simple: make your husband happy. How do you make it happen? In the Book of Ephesians, the Bible says: “Husband, love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. Wife, see to it that you respect your husband.” 1^st Corinthians 13 defines love as “patient and kind…believes all things, hopes all things.”

One of the most commonly asked question by newly-weds is, “who is in-charge? Is the ratio 50-50?” In Filipino culture, we often say, “the husband is the head but the wife is the neck---so whenever the neck goes, the head follows.” Just kidding.

Mutuality in marriage does not destroy personality but rather enhances it. Marriage that is founded on mutuality nourishes two distinct personalities into their fullness in the spirit of mutual love, inspiration and respect. 

The poet Khalil Gibran says, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you…Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music... And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow but not in each other's shadow.”

3.    The third element of marriage is unity.

The Bible summarized it this way, “therefore a man leaves father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh…what therefore God has joined together, let no man  put asunder.” (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:6)

So in marriage "one plus one equals one." What poor arithmetic! What an amazing theology! It is like saying “two lips plus two lips equals one kiss.”

Marriage is a joining together of two persons in a mysterious and mystical unity. Jesus compared it to the unity of Christ and the Church.  It is a covenant between two personalities who bring together their gifts and talents into a wonderful tapestry of intimacy. The biblical injunction of “leaving and cleaving” has to do with far more than the physical. It has to do with the unity of diversity of body, mind and spirit.

Before marriage, husband and wife have one candle representing each other. In marriage, these candles are brought together to light one bigger candle. Each then should put out their small candles and allow the one unity candle to shine. Your marriage shall shine brightly to lighten the darkness of this world and become a witness to the light of Christ.

As husband and wife live up to the ideals of permanence, mutuality and unity, marriage will not simply endure but will prevail.